Before the Blog

Here are some of my Dear Sir/Madam Facebook posts from 2009....

Dear Lady in line at Moe's, You asked for a SMALL bag of chips and that's what you got. Don't get upset with the cashier and demand more chips because you didn't know SMALL meant SMALL.
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Dear Madam, I am sorry you are upset over the cardio area being closed for 2 days so we may provide you with new equipment. I am sorry we did not call each of our 10,000 members personally. I can understand how someone could miss the 4 ft sign, the emails, and the notices posted for over 10 days and I understand "do no...t have anything to do" despite the 80 classes, weights, track, pool, and basketball facilities.
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Dear Sir, Calling a 60-year old arthritis water aerobics instructor a liar in front of your child is not necessary. The Senior Water Aerobics class filled with 80 year-old participants with arthritis should have been cancelled mid-class so your spirited child could splash others. Also, thank you for telling me that your friend in "upper management" will call me to tell me how to do my job in the future.
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Dear Madam, I am very sorry our cleaning staff traumatized your children by telling them they could only make 1 snowflake at the craft table. When I apologized and told you she was mistaken so your children could make as many snowflakes as they liked, I understand why your children were "too upset" and that we "ruined ...their Christmas." I'll made sure Santa brings you a book on parenting so this does not happen again.
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Dear Sir, You had 3 medical emergencies at our facility this year and now you have a pacemaker. It is strongly recommended for you to NOT use the steam room. Please stop complaining the loudest that it is out of order. The repair date has been posted and I have 911 programmed into my phone for the grand opening.
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Dear Sir, Schedule changes are required in writing before the schedule is printed. Asking your co-worker to tell me "X can't work tomorrow because he can't work weekends anymore" 20 hours before you are scheduled to be at work doesn't count.
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Dear Sir, A "One Day Pass" means one day, not 15 days scattered over the year.
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Dear Sir, I am sorry you are upset about the steam room being out of order. However, it is odd that you would say you would call OSHA to report the non-functioning steam room. Non-steamed air is not exactly an occupational safety hazard...
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Dear Sir, I am very sorry one my staff "harassed" you today because your information was not in our system. I take full responsibility over the fact that, as you stated, you forgot to have your mom fill out the information for you and give it to you to bring back in. I will begin calling random phone numbers immediately so as to get your mother to fill it out for you as we do not have her phone number on file yet.
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Dear Ms. Pessimistic Customer, I am very sorry one of my staff smiled at you this morning. Your formal complaint was certainly justified as we pride ourselves in making sure every customer leaves angry and/or upset. We hope her actions did not cause you to have a good day, especially being so close to a holiday weekend. I promise you will not receive such a level of service from this employee again.
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Dear shady person who abandoned your broke-down car without a tag in our parking lot, If you called me to tell me that you are worried that I called the police to run the VIN # because you said "the sale of car is not completely finalized," maybe having the car towed off our property will give you the incentive to move it yourself. Happy Holidays!
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Dear Crazy Lady, You can get swine flu anywhere. If you want to leave, don't blame me because you didn't wash your hands after grocery shopping. Stop acting as though everyone else is responsible for all of your life's problems and move on. (Oh, and get well soon, sugar!)
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And as a special bonus...

I'm out of the office at a meeting. Call me if you need anything. Seriously. Even if you can't remember how to add 2 simple numbers. Just call me up and be like, "Shawn. What's 2+2?" And I'll be like, "4." And you'll be all, "Thanks!" And I'll be all like, "Sure, need anything else?" and you'll be like all "nah" and I'll like be all "bye" and stuff and you'll be all like, "bye!" And it will be like, totally awesome.