Just a Quick Cuddle?

Dear Madam,
I am sorry but you will not be able to cuddle with one of the live bears.  I know they are "super cute" and "it would be, like, totally awesome" and that you have "seen people hold them on tv" but l would hate it if the wild animal ripped off your arm because that would involve a lot of paperwork for me.

Coupon Queen

Dear Madam,

I am sorry but I cannot give you a $93 discount on your season pass.  Yes, I understand you "spent a lot of money already" but you were given lunch, a $10 coupon in the gift shop, free rides, enjoyed several of the attractions and paid the taxes in exchange for what you where charged but I can see how we should be able to run our business on an income of $45 per day.

Where Would We Keep Them?

Dear Madam,

I am very sorry but we do not have panthers for sale nor do I know if you can pick one up on safari in Arizona.

Inclusion

Caller: How much does it cost to attend the Fall Festival?
Me: It is included with the price of admission.
Caller: What does that mean?
Me: The event is free with admission.
Caller: What does that mean?
Me: You pay for a ticket to come in...
Caller: Right.
Me: And the event that is going on inside the park doesn't cost anything extra.
Caller: So, it's free?
Me: After you pay to come in to the park, you don't have to spend any more money.

It's a Pain in the Paper

Dear Sir,
Yes, I do understand it is a "huge inconvenience" to write your name and address on a piece of paper.  Your tirade was especially appropriate in front of your 5 year-old child.  I am sorry the inconvenience made you storm out of our office but thank you for opening the door to stick your head in and tell us what a "pain in the butt" it is to fill out paperwork.  I'll make sure to document the incident...on paper.

Who Needs Loyalty Without Sense?

Dear Madam,

I am sorry you do not understand our kids loyalty program.  Thank you for cutting me off each time I tried to explain it to you.  I am sorry you didn't read the email, nor the letter, nor the coupon, nor the website link we sent you within the first 3 weeks of registering for the program.  Thank you for your response of "whatever, it just doesn't make any sense at all."  I was beginning to think I was speaking to someone who had some sense.

She Hates to be Forward

Dear Madam,

Although you paid for it and only listed your address on the account, I am sorry we did not send your ex-boyfriend's annual pass to his new house after your break up.  We will continue to monitor your facebook relationship status so we can avoid this kind of problem in the future.  I am also very sorry he took your last postage stamp, thus preventing you from forwarding his pass two blocks down the street from you.

The Postman Only Rings Once...at Your Neighbor's House

Dear Madam,

I am sorry the post office put your renewal notice into your neighbor's mailbox by mistake.  Yes, we had the correct address in our database but we certainly should have hand delivered it to you so you didn't "have to suffer the embarrassment of having [your] neighbor think [you] don't pay your bills on time because [you] always pay [your] bills on time and receive enough mail already to be humiliated like this."

Maybe She Was Planning to Water the Plants

Dear Madam,

Thank you for ignoring me then giving me the evil eye when I tried to get your attention by asking, "Mam, May I help you?"  I also appreciated your angry tone when you told me "someone" said you could use the bathroom but that locked door you are tugging on leads to an office.

What She'll Need Next Week

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you did not tell the sales person that you would bring your four adult children in the future and that she did not read your mind nor predict the future to see what you would need a week after your paid.

Please Hold for 10 Minutes

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you are upset we answered the phone 10 minutes before we opened because we were ready to open early.

Plus, Plus, Plus

Caller: How much is an adult ticket?
Me: $20.99 plus tax.
Caller: So twenty dollars per person.
Me: No mam, it's twenty dollars and ninety-nine cents plus tax per person.
Caller: I have 4 adults and it's twenty dollars to get them all in, right?
Me: No mam, for adults it is twenty dollars and ninety-nine cents plus tax PER PERSON.
Caller: Oh!  Per person?  So that's eighty dollars to get in 4 adults?
Me: Close enough.
Caller: And you're open every day but closed on Saturdays and Sundays, right?
Me: No mam.  We're open every day of the week.
Caller: Including Saturdays and Sunday?
Me: Yes mam, the entire week plus Saturdays and Sundays

When You Can't Say "NO"

After a training where we were told to avoid using the word "no":
Caller: Do you have a combo membership with the XXX Museum?
Me: We have a combo TICKET with the XXX Museum that allows you to save 10% off admission price to each location.
Caller: I have a combo membership that combines me, my wife and my kids and allows us to go to your Museum.
Me: It sounds like you have what is called a FAMILY membership to our Museum but there is not a combo membership between our Museum and the XXX Museum.
Caller: So if I have a membership with you guys, I can go to XXX Museum for 10% off?
(15 second pause....)
Me: No.

Cut and Paste to Get What You Want

Dear Madam,
Thank you for pointing out the one sentence that you think proves your point. Thank you for not reading the entire piece and thank you for removing the insert telling you about the changes, thus negating the phrase you continue to quote.

Only Exceed

Dear Madam,
I am sorry we provided you the product you wanted and delivered it in the amount of time we promised. I am sorry we only met your expectations and I will be happy to give you something else for free since we did not break the laws of time, space and physics and ignore the 5,499 other customers so that your expectations could be exceeded.

All in a Day

Dear Madam,
Thank you for wagging your finger in my face and telling me "I don't need your spiel. Tell me where the end of the line is." I guess you don't need to know that after you wait in line for 2 hours, you won't be able to see anything and you don't want the rain check we are offering to save you from wasting your time.


Dear Madam,
Thank you for flirting with me to try to get to the front of the 2 hour line but you're barking up the wrong tree.
 
Dear Sir,
Thank you for telling me you "don't want to stand in this long line" and that you are "just going to walk up to the ticket booth and pay." I'll make sure I tell everyone in front of you that you are more important than them and you can deal with them once you get inside. Look out for flying cups of soda.
 
Dear Madam,
I am very sorry you don't want to wait 30 seconds for someone to back their SUV out of their parking space because you are afraid you will lose your place in line but your foot does not make a good speed bump.
 
Dear Madam,
Thank you for recycling by digging in the trash cans for used tickets and trying to pass them off as "the ones [you bought] earlier today" so you could save $5 on ticket already discounted by $15.  Thank you for teaching your children how to do this as well.  They are our future.

When you die...

Dear Madam, Thank you for calling me an "aweful person" and for telling me that you have a lot of money. You certainly have every right to berate me and my staff THEN ask me to look up the phone number for an elephant rescue in Tennessee on "the Google" because you think your kids and grandkids are "also aweful people..." and you don't want them to get any of your money when you die.

Why Crawl When You Can Tow!

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you were unable to get into the driver's side of your car because the car next to you was parked too close to you. Calling the police and a tow truck to have the other car towed, however, is a bit more time consuming than opening your passenger side door and crawling over the seats.