Just a Quick Cuddle?

Dear Madam,
I am sorry but you will not be able to cuddle with one of the live bears.  I know they are "super cute" and "it would be, like, totally awesome" and that you have "seen people hold them on tv" but l would hate it if the wild animal ripped off your arm because that would involve a lot of paperwork for me.

Coupon Queen

Dear Madam,

I am sorry but I cannot give you a $93 discount on your season pass.  Yes, I understand you "spent a lot of money already" but you were given lunch, a $10 coupon in the gift shop, free rides, enjoyed several of the attractions and paid the taxes in exchange for what you where charged but I can see how we should be able to run our business on an income of $45 per day.

Where Would We Keep Them?

Dear Madam,

I am very sorry but we do not have panthers for sale nor do I know if you can pick one up on safari in Arizona.

It's a Pain in the Paper

Dear Sir,
Yes, I do understand it is a "huge inconvenience" to write your name and address on a piece of paper.  Your tirade was especially appropriate in front of your 5 year-old child.  I am sorry the inconvenience made you storm out of our office but thank you for opening the door to stick your head in and tell us what a "pain in the butt" it is to fill out paperwork.  I'll make sure to document the incident...on paper.

Who Needs Loyalty Without Sense?

Dear Madam,

I am sorry you do not understand our kids loyalty program.  Thank you for cutting me off each time I tried to explain it to you.  I am sorry you didn't read the email, nor the letter, nor the coupon, nor the website link we sent you within the first 3 weeks of registering for the program.  Thank you for your response of "whatever, it just doesn't make any sense at all."  I was beginning to think I was speaking to someone who had some sense.

She Hates to be Forward

Dear Madam,

Although you paid for it and only listed your address on the account, I am sorry we did not send your ex-boyfriend's annual pass to his new house after your break up.  We will continue to monitor your facebook relationship status so we can avoid this kind of problem in the future.  I am also very sorry he took your last postage stamp, thus preventing you from forwarding his pass two blocks down the street from you.

The Postman Only Rings Once...at Your Neighbor's House

Dear Madam,

I am sorry the post office put your renewal notice into your neighbor's mailbox by mistake.  Yes, we had the correct address in our database but we certainly should have hand delivered it to you so you didn't "have to suffer the embarrassment of having [your] neighbor think [you] don't pay your bills on time because [you] always pay [your] bills on time and receive enough mail already to be humiliated like this."

Maybe She Was Planning to Water the Plants

Dear Madam,

Thank you for ignoring me then giving me the evil eye when I tried to get your attention by asking, "Mam, May I help you?"  I also appreciated your angry tone when you told me "someone" said you could use the bathroom but that locked door you are tugging on leads to an office.

Please Hold for 10 Minutes

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you are upset we answered the phone 10 minutes before we opened because we were ready to open early.

Plus, Plus, Plus

Caller: How much is an adult ticket?
Me: $20.99 plus tax.
Caller: So twenty dollars per person.
Me: No mam, it's twenty dollars and ninety-nine cents plus tax per person.
Caller: I have 4 adults and it's twenty dollars to get them all in, right?
Me: No mam, for adults it is twenty dollars and ninety-nine cents plus tax PER PERSON.
Caller: Oh!  Per person?  So that's eighty dollars to get in 4 adults?
Me: Close enough.
Caller: And you're open every day but closed on Saturdays and Sundays, right?
Me: No mam.  We're open every day of the week.
Caller: Including Saturdays and Sunday?
Me: Yes mam, the entire week plus Saturdays and Sundays