Coupon Queen

Dear Madam,

I am sorry but I cannot give you a $93 discount on your season pass.  Yes, I understand you "spent a lot of money already" but you were given lunch, a $10 coupon in the gift shop, free rides, enjoyed several of the attractions and paid the taxes in exchange for what you where charged but I can see how we should be able to run our business on an income of $45 per day.

It's a Pain in the Paper

Dear Sir,
Yes, I do understand it is a "huge inconvenience" to write your name and address on a piece of paper.  Your tirade was especially appropriate in front of your 5 year-old child.  I am sorry the inconvenience made you storm out of our office but thank you for opening the door to stick your head in and tell us what a "pain in the butt" it is to fill out paperwork.  I'll make sure to document the incident...on paper.

Who Needs Loyalty Without Sense?

Dear Madam,

I am sorry you do not understand our kids loyalty program.  Thank you for cutting me off each time I tried to explain it to you.  I am sorry you didn't read the email, nor the letter, nor the coupon, nor the website link we sent you within the first 3 weeks of registering for the program.  Thank you for your response of "whatever, it just doesn't make any sense at all."  I was beginning to think I was speaking to someone who had some sense.

She Hates to be Forward

Dear Madam,

Although you paid for it and only listed your address on the account, I am sorry we did not send your ex-boyfriend's annual pass to his new house after your break up.  We will continue to monitor your facebook relationship status so we can avoid this kind of problem in the future.  I am also very sorry he took your last postage stamp, thus preventing you from forwarding his pass two blocks down the street from you.

The Postman Only Rings Once...at Your Neighbor's House

Dear Madam,

I am sorry the post office put your renewal notice into your neighbor's mailbox by mistake.  Yes, we had the correct address in our database but we certainly should have hand delivered it to you so you didn't "have to suffer the embarrassment of having [your] neighbor think [you] don't pay your bills on time because [you] always pay [your] bills on time and receive enough mail already to be humiliated like this."

Maybe She Was Planning to Water the Plants

Dear Madam,

Thank you for ignoring me then giving me the evil eye when I tried to get your attention by asking, "Mam, May I help you?"  I also appreciated your angry tone when you told me "someone" said you could use the bathroom but that locked door you are tugging on leads to an office.

Please Hold for 10 Minutes

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you are upset we answered the phone 10 minutes before we opened because we were ready to open early.

Cut and Paste to Get What You Want

Dear Madam,
Thank you for pointing out the one sentence that you think proves your point. Thank you for not reading the entire piece and thank you for removing the insert telling you about the changes, thus negating the phrase you continue to quote.

Only Exceed

Dear Madam,
I am sorry we provided you the product you wanted and delivered it in the amount of time we promised. I am sorry we only met your expectations and I will be happy to give you something else for free since we did not break the laws of time, space and physics and ignore the 5,499 other customers so that your expectations could be exceeded.

All in a Day

Dear Madam,
Thank you for wagging your finger in my face and telling me "I don't need your spiel. Tell me where the end of the line is." I guess you don't need to know that after you wait in line for 2 hours, you won't be able to see anything and you don't want the rain check we are offering to save you from wasting your time.


Dear Madam,
Thank you for flirting with me to try to get to the front of the 2 hour line but you're barking up the wrong tree.
 
Dear Sir,
Thank you for telling me you "don't want to stand in this long line" and that you are "just going to walk up to the ticket booth and pay." I'll make sure I tell everyone in front of you that you are more important than them and you can deal with them once you get inside. Look out for flying cups of soda.
 
Dear Madam,
I am very sorry you don't want to wait 30 seconds for someone to back their SUV out of their parking space because you are afraid you will lose your place in line but your foot does not make a good speed bump.
 
Dear Madam,
Thank you for recycling by digging in the trash cans for used tickets and trying to pass them off as "the ones [you bought] earlier today" so you could save $5 on ticket already discounted by $15.  Thank you for teaching your children how to do this as well.  They are our future.

Refunds

Customer: "I didn't get my full refund."
Me: "Are you looking at your bank statement?"
Customer: "Yes."
Me: "Our records show a full refund on XX/XX/2010. Do you see it on your bank statement?"
Customer: "Um, no. I don't actually have the bank statement. I'll have to call my bank to get one. It will take about three days and I'll call you back to apologize IF you are right."
Me: "No problem. I'll keep your file on my desk and I will wait to hear back from you in three or four days."

45 minutes later...

Customer: "I talked to my bank and I'm calling to apologize..."

Why Crawl When You Can Tow!

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you were unable to get into the driver's side of your car because the car next to you was parked too close to you. Calling the police and a tow truck to have the other car towed, however, is a bit more time consuming than opening your passenger side door and crawling over the seats.

Well, I Have Been Working Out Lately...

Dear Madam,
Thank you for calling us from the crowded parking lot to demand I come out to "do something about it." I will be happy to stop answering your calls and stop helping others check out who will then move their cars out of spots so I can come bench press an SUV for you.