Dear Madam,
I am sorry but you will not be able to cuddle with one of the live bears. I know they are "super cute" and "it would be, like, totally awesome" and that you have "seen people hold them on tv" but l would hate it if the wild animal ripped off your arm because that would involve a lot of paperwork for me.
Showing posts with label letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letters. Show all posts
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Monday, October 24, 2011
Coupon Queen
Dear Madam,
I am sorry but I cannot give you a $93 discount on your season pass. Yes, I understand you "spent a lot of money already" but you were given lunch, a $10 coupon in the gift shop, free rides, enjoyed several of the attractions and paid the taxes in exchange for what you where charged but I can see how we should be able to run our business on an income of $45 per day.
I am sorry but I cannot give you a $93 discount on your season pass. Yes, I understand you "spent a lot of money already" but you were given lunch, a $10 coupon in the gift shop, free rides, enjoyed several of the attractions and paid the taxes in exchange for what you where charged but I can see how we should be able to run our business on an income of $45 per day.
Where Would We Keep Them?
Dear Madam,
I am very sorry but we do not have panthers for sale nor do I know if you can pick one up on safari in Arizona.
I am very sorry but we do not have panthers for sale nor do I know if you can pick one up on safari in Arizona.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
It's a Pain in the Paper
Dear Sir,
Yes, I do understand it is a "huge inconvenience" to write your name and address on a piece of paper. Your tirade was especially appropriate in front of your 5 year-old child. I am sorry the inconvenience made you storm out of our office but thank you for opening the door to stick your head in and tell us what a "pain in the butt" it is to fill out paperwork. I'll make sure to document the incident...on paper.
Yes, I do understand it is a "huge inconvenience" to write your name and address on a piece of paper. Your tirade was especially appropriate in front of your 5 year-old child. I am sorry the inconvenience made you storm out of our office but thank you for opening the door to stick your head in and tell us what a "pain in the butt" it is to fill out paperwork. I'll make sure to document the incident...on paper.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Who Needs Loyalty Without Sense?
Dear Madam,
I am sorry you do not understand our kids loyalty program. Thank you for cutting me off each time I tried to explain it to you. I am sorry you didn't read the email, nor the letter, nor the coupon, nor the website link we sent you within the first 3 weeks of registering for the program. Thank you for your response of "whatever, it just doesn't make any sense at all." I was beginning to think I was speaking to someone who had some sense.
I am sorry you do not understand our kids loyalty program. Thank you for cutting me off each time I tried to explain it to you. I am sorry you didn't read the email, nor the letter, nor the coupon, nor the website link we sent you within the first 3 weeks of registering for the program. Thank you for your response of "whatever, it just doesn't make any sense at all." I was beginning to think I was speaking to someone who had some sense.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
She Hates to be Forward
Dear Madam,
Although you paid for it and only listed your address on the account, I am sorry we did not send your ex-boyfriend's annual pass to his new house after your break up. We will continue to monitor your facebook relationship status so we can avoid this kind of problem in the future. I am also very sorry he took your last postage stamp, thus preventing you from forwarding his pass two blocks down the street from you.
Although you paid for it and only listed your address on the account, I am sorry we did not send your ex-boyfriend's annual pass to his new house after your break up. We will continue to monitor your facebook relationship status so we can avoid this kind of problem in the future. I am also very sorry he took your last postage stamp, thus preventing you from forwarding his pass two blocks down the street from you.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
The Postman Only Rings Once...at Your Neighbor's House
Dear Madam,
I am sorry the post office put your renewal notice into your neighbor's mailbox by mistake. Yes, we had the correct address in our database but we certainly should have hand delivered it to you so you didn't "have to suffer the embarrassment of having [your] neighbor think [you] don't pay your bills on time because [you] always pay [your] bills on time and receive enough mail already to be humiliated like this."
I am sorry the post office put your renewal notice into your neighbor's mailbox by mistake. Yes, we had the correct address in our database but we certainly should have hand delivered it to you so you didn't "have to suffer the embarrassment of having [your] neighbor think [you] don't pay your bills on time because [you] always pay [your] bills on time and receive enough mail already to be humiliated like this."
Monday, July 11, 2011
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Before the Blog
Here are some of my Dear Sir/Madam Facebook posts from 2009....
Dear Lady in line at Moe's, You asked for a SMALL bag of chips and that's what you got. Don't get upset with the cashier and demand more chips because you didn't know SMALL meant SMALL.
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Dear Madam, I am sorry you are upset over the cardio area being closed for 2 days so we may provide you with new equipment. I am sorry we did not call each of our 10,000 members personally. I can understand how someone could miss the 4 ft sign, the emails, and the notices posted for over 10 days and I understand "do no...t have anything to do" despite the 80 classes, weights, track, pool, and basketball facilities.
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Dear Sir, Calling a 60-year old arthritis water aerobics instructor a liar in front of your child is not necessary. The Senior Water Aerobics class filled with 80 year-old participants with arthritis should have been cancelled mid-class so your spirited child could splash others. Also, thank you for telling me that your friend in "upper management" will call me to tell me how to do my job in the future.
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Dear Madam, I am very sorry our cleaning staff traumatized your children by telling them they could only make 1 snowflake at the craft table. When I apologized and told you she was mistaken so your children could make as many snowflakes as they liked, I understand why your children were "too upset" and that we "ruined ...their Christmas." I'll made sure Santa brings you a book on parenting so this does not happen again.
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Dear Sir, You had 3 medical emergencies at our facility this year and now you have a pacemaker. It is strongly recommended for you to NOT use the steam room. Please stop complaining the loudest that it is out of order. The repair date has been posted and I have 911 programmed into my phone for the grand opening.
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Dear Sir, Schedule changes are required in writing before the schedule is printed. Asking your co-worker to tell me "X can't work tomorrow because he can't work weekends anymore" 20 hours before you are scheduled to be at work doesn't count.
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Dear Sir, A "One Day Pass" means one day, not 15 days scattered over the year.
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Dear Sir, I am sorry you are upset about the steam room being out of order. However, it is odd that you would say you would call OSHA to report the non-functioning steam room. Non-steamed air is not exactly an occupational safety hazard...
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Dear Sir, I am very sorry one my staff "harassed" you today because your information was not in our system. I take full responsibility over the fact that, as you stated, you forgot to have your mom fill out the information for you and give it to you to bring back in. I will begin calling random phone numbers immediately so as to get your mother to fill it out for you as we do not have her phone number on file yet.
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Dear Ms. Pessimistic Customer, I am very sorry one of my staff smiled at you this morning. Your formal complaint was certainly justified as we pride ourselves in making sure every customer leaves angry and/or upset. We hope her actions did not cause you to have a good day, especially being so close to a holiday weekend. I promise you will not receive such a level of service from this employee again.
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Dear shady person who abandoned your broke-down car without a tag in our parking lot, If you called me to tell me that you are worried that I called the police to run the VIN # because you said "the sale of car is not completely finalized," maybe having the car towed off our property will give you the incentive to move it yourself. Happy Holidays!
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Dear Crazy Lady, You can get swine flu anywhere. If you want to leave, don't blame me because you didn't wash your hands after grocery shopping. Stop acting as though everyone else is responsible for all of your life's problems and move on. (Oh, and get well soon, sugar!)
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And as a special bonus...
I'm out of the office at a meeting. Call me if you need anything. Seriously. Even if you can't remember how to add 2 simple numbers. Just call me up and be like, "Shawn. What's 2+2?" And I'll be like, "4." And you'll be all, "Thanks!" And I'll be all like, "Sure, need anything else?" and you'll be like all "nah" and I'll like be all "bye" and stuff and you'll be all like, "bye!" And it will be like, totally awesome.
Dear Lady in line at Moe's, You asked for a SMALL bag of chips and that's what you got. Don't get upset with the cashier and demand more chips because you didn't know SMALL meant SMALL.
--------
Dear Madam, I am sorry you are upset over the cardio area being closed for 2 days so we may provide you with new equipment. I am sorry we did not call each of our 10,000 members personally. I can understand how someone could miss the 4 ft sign, the emails, and the notices posted for over 10 days and I understand "do no...t have anything to do" despite the 80 classes, weights, track, pool, and basketball facilities.
--------
Dear Sir, Calling a 60-year old arthritis water aerobics instructor a liar in front of your child is not necessary. The Senior Water Aerobics class filled with 80 year-old participants with arthritis should have been cancelled mid-class so your spirited child could splash others. Also, thank you for telling me that your friend in "upper management" will call me to tell me how to do my job in the future.
--------
Dear Madam, I am very sorry our cleaning staff traumatized your children by telling them they could only make 1 snowflake at the craft table. When I apologized and told you she was mistaken so your children could make as many snowflakes as they liked, I understand why your children were "too upset" and that we "ruined ...their Christmas." I'll made sure Santa brings you a book on parenting so this does not happen again.
--------
Dear Sir, You had 3 medical emergencies at our facility this year and now you have a pacemaker. It is strongly recommended for you to NOT use the steam room. Please stop complaining the loudest that it is out of order. The repair date has been posted and I have 911 programmed into my phone for the grand opening.
--------
Dear Sir, Schedule changes are required in writing before the schedule is printed. Asking your co-worker to tell me "X can't work tomorrow because he can't work weekends anymore" 20 hours before you are scheduled to be at work doesn't count.
--------
Dear Sir, A "One Day Pass" means one day, not 15 days scattered over the year.
--------
Dear Sir, I am sorry you are upset about the steam room being out of order. However, it is odd that you would say you would call OSHA to report the non-functioning steam room. Non-steamed air is not exactly an occupational safety hazard...
--------
Dear Sir, I am very sorry one my staff "harassed" you today because your information was not in our system. I take full responsibility over the fact that, as you stated, you forgot to have your mom fill out the information for you and give it to you to bring back in. I will begin calling random phone numbers immediately so as to get your mother to fill it out for you as we do not have her phone number on file yet.
--------
Dear Ms. Pessimistic Customer, I am very sorry one of my staff smiled at you this morning. Your formal complaint was certainly justified as we pride ourselves in making sure every customer leaves angry and/or upset. We hope her actions did not cause you to have a good day, especially being so close to a holiday weekend. I promise you will not receive such a level of service from this employee again.
--------
Dear shady person who abandoned your broke-down car without a tag in our parking lot, If you called me to tell me that you are worried that I called the police to run the VIN # because you said "the sale of car is not completely finalized," maybe having the car towed off our property will give you the incentive to move it yourself. Happy Holidays!
--------
Dear Crazy Lady, You can get swine flu anywhere. If you want to leave, don't blame me because you didn't wash your hands after grocery shopping. Stop acting as though everyone else is responsible for all of your life's problems and move on. (Oh, and get well soon, sugar!)
--------
And as a special bonus...
I'm out of the office at a meeting. Call me if you need anything. Seriously. Even if you can't remember how to add 2 simple numbers. Just call me up and be like, "Shawn. What's 2+2?" And I'll be like, "4." And you'll be all, "Thanks!" And I'll be all like, "Sure, need anything else?" and you'll be like all "nah" and I'll like be all "bye" and stuff and you'll be all like, "bye!" And it will be like, totally awesome.
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