Coupon Queen

Dear Madam,

I am sorry but I cannot give you a $93 discount on your season pass.  Yes, I understand you "spent a lot of money already" but you were given lunch, a $10 coupon in the gift shop, free rides, enjoyed several of the attractions and paid the taxes in exchange for what you where charged but I can see how we should be able to run our business on an income of $45 per day.

Where Would We Keep Them?

Dear Madam,

I am very sorry but we do not have panthers for sale nor do I know if you can pick one up on safari in Arizona.

Inclusion

Caller: How much does it cost to attend the Fall Festival?
Me: It is included with the price of admission.
Caller: What does that mean?
Me: The event is free with admission.
Caller: What does that mean?
Me: You pay for a ticket to come in...
Caller: Right.
Me: And the event that is going on inside the park doesn't cost anything extra.
Caller: So, it's free?
Me: After you pay to come in to the park, you don't have to spend any more money.

It's a Pain in the Paper

Dear Sir,
Yes, I do understand it is a "huge inconvenience" to write your name and address on a piece of paper.  Your tirade was especially appropriate in front of your 5 year-old child.  I am sorry the inconvenience made you storm out of our office but thank you for opening the door to stick your head in and tell us what a "pain in the butt" it is to fill out paperwork.  I'll make sure to document the incident...on paper.

Who Needs Loyalty Without Sense?

Dear Madam,

I am sorry you do not understand our kids loyalty program.  Thank you for cutting me off each time I tried to explain it to you.  I am sorry you didn't read the email, nor the letter, nor the coupon, nor the website link we sent you within the first 3 weeks of registering for the program.  Thank you for your response of "whatever, it just doesn't make any sense at all."  I was beginning to think I was speaking to someone who had some sense.

She Hates to be Forward

Dear Madam,

Although you paid for it and only listed your address on the account, I am sorry we did not send your ex-boyfriend's annual pass to his new house after your break up.  We will continue to monitor your facebook relationship status so we can avoid this kind of problem in the future.  I am also very sorry he took your last postage stamp, thus preventing you from forwarding his pass two blocks down the street from you.

The Postman Only Rings Once...at Your Neighbor's House

Dear Madam,

I am sorry the post office put your renewal notice into your neighbor's mailbox by mistake.  Yes, we had the correct address in our database but we certainly should have hand delivered it to you so you didn't "have to suffer the embarrassment of having [your] neighbor think [you] don't pay your bills on time because [you] always pay [your] bills on time and receive enough mail already to be humiliated like this."

Sister Mary Leo Is Going to Be SO Upset

Me: Thank you for calling XXX, how may I help you?
Caller: Do you know the Bible?
Me: Yes mam, but I don't have it memorized.
Caller: Do you know the verse, "Tiki, tiki and he smote them?"
Me: I haven't heard that one.
Caller: But do you know what verse it is?
Me: No mam, I don't have the Bible memorized.
Caller: Is it in the new testament?
Me: I think it's somewhere in the middle.
Caller: Well, if you find it, call me back.
Me: Thy will be done.

Maybe She Was Planning to Water the Plants

Dear Madam,

Thank you for ignoring me then giving me the evil eye when I tried to get your attention by asking, "Mam, May I help you?"  I also appreciated your angry tone when you told me "someone" said you could use the bathroom but that locked door you are tugging on leads to an office.

No Really, It's not a Problem

Caller: Is it going to be a problem if I bring food when I visit?
Me: No, it will be no problem at all.
Caller: So it's not a problem?
Me: It is not problem at all.
Caller: Because I don't want to have a problem.
Me: It is no problem.
Caller: Ok, thanks for your help.
Me: No problem.

Because It Won't Be Fun For Either of You

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you think you and your child should ride the train for free because your daughter is "too young to remember it" and you "have to ride so she doesn't hurt herself."

What She'll Need Next Week

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you did not tell the sales person that you would bring your four adult children in the future and that she did not read your mind nor predict the future to see what you would need a week after your paid.

Please Hold for 10 Minutes

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you are upset we answered the phone 10 minutes before we opened because we were ready to open early.

Plus, Plus, Plus

Caller: How much is an adult ticket?
Me: $20.99 plus tax.
Caller: So twenty dollars per person.
Me: No mam, it's twenty dollars and ninety-nine cents plus tax per person.
Caller: I have 4 adults and it's twenty dollars to get them all in, right?
Me: No mam, for adults it is twenty dollars and ninety-nine cents plus tax PER PERSON.
Caller: Oh!  Per person?  So that's eighty dollars to get in 4 adults?
Me: Close enough.
Caller: And you're open every day but closed on Saturdays and Sundays, right?
Me: No mam.  We're open every day of the week.
Caller: Including Saturdays and Sunday?
Me: Yes mam, the entire week plus Saturdays and Sundays

When You Can't Say "NO"

After a training where we were told to avoid using the word "no":
Caller: Do you have a combo membership with the XXX Museum?
Me: We have a combo TICKET with the XXX Museum that allows you to save 10% off admission price to each location.
Caller: I have a combo membership that combines me, my wife and my kids and allows us to go to your Museum.
Me: It sounds like you have what is called a FAMILY membership to our Museum but there is not a combo membership between our Museum and the XXX Museum.
Caller: So if I have a membership with you guys, I can go to XXX Museum for 10% off?
(15 second pause....)
Me: No.

Cut and Paste to Get What You Want

Dear Madam,
Thank you for pointing out the one sentence that you think proves your point. Thank you for not reading the entire piece and thank you for removing the insert telling you about the changes, thus negating the phrase you continue to quote.

Only Exceed

Dear Madam,
I am sorry we provided you the product you wanted and delivered it in the amount of time we promised. I am sorry we only met your expectations and I will be happy to give you something else for free since we did not break the laws of time, space and physics and ignore the 5,499 other customers so that your expectations could be exceeded.

It's Ok, Your Head is Full With Ideas for Other Crimes

Dear Madam, I am sorry you don't have a photo ID, can't remember your address, email or phone number, and I'm sorry your husband awkwardly walked away when I asked you to spell your last name and you couldn't. I'll take a guess that you're trying to use a membership card belonging to someone else.

Awkward Pause?

Dear Sir, Thank you for telling me to "stop talking" when I answered the phone. It makes thinking of something to say after "Hello" a LOT easier.

When They Won't Pay

Dear Madam,

I am sorry your you are upset that we will not upgrade your membership because your husband's company will not pay the difference in your membership dues.

Something something FREE something something = Gimmie

Dear Madam,

I am sorry you only read the words "free plush tiger" and assumed we would just give you one because you purchased something "for a friend."  Since there were only 10 words on the banner, I can understand how "all of those other words" got in the way of you understanding.