All in a Day

Dear Madam,
Thank you for wagging your finger in my face and telling me "I don't need your spiel. Tell me where the end of the line is." I guess you don't need to know that after you wait in line for 2 hours, you won't be able to see anything and you don't want the rain check we are offering to save you from wasting your time.


Dear Madam,
Thank you for flirting with me to try to get to the front of the 2 hour line but you're barking up the wrong tree.
 
Dear Sir,
Thank you for telling me you "don't want to stand in this long line" and that you are "just going to walk up to the ticket booth and pay." I'll make sure I tell everyone in front of you that you are more important than them and you can deal with them once you get inside. Look out for flying cups of soda.
 
Dear Madam,
I am very sorry you don't want to wait 30 seconds for someone to back their SUV out of their parking space because you are afraid you will lose your place in line but your foot does not make a good speed bump.
 
Dear Madam,
Thank you for recycling by digging in the trash cans for used tickets and trying to pass them off as "the ones [you bought] earlier today" so you could save $5 on ticket already discounted by $15.  Thank you for teaching your children how to do this as well.  They are our future.

When you die...

Dear Madam, Thank you for calling me an "aweful person" and for telling me that you have a lot of money. You certainly have every right to berate me and my staff THEN ask me to look up the phone number for an elephant rescue in Tennessee on "the Google" because you think your kids and grandkids are "also aweful people..." and you don't want them to get any of your money when you die.

Sign: "Don't be stupid"

Dear Madam, I am sorry you are now "forced to put a tacky post-it note" on your steering wheel to remind you NOT to run over people because we don't have a sign reminding you to look both ways before you pull out of our parking lot onto the street.

Refunds

Customer: "I didn't get my full refund."
Me: "Are you looking at your bank statement?"
Customer: "Yes."
Me: "Our records show a full refund on XX/XX/2010. Do you see it on your bank statement?"
Customer: "Um, no. I don't actually have the bank statement. I'll have to call my bank to get one. It will take about three days and I'll call you back to apologize IF you are right."
Me: "No problem. I'll keep your file on my desk and I will wait to hear back from you in three or four days."

45 minutes later...

Customer: "I talked to my bank and I'm calling to apologize..."

Unless You Want Divorce #2

Dear Madam,
I am sorry but we cannot allow you to put your ex-husband on your family membership because your new husband who is paying for it objects.

I'll Use Fewer Fingers Next Time...

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you were upset over my reaction to you driving the wrong direction and nearly causing a head-on collision with me in our parking lot. In the future, I will refrain from politely pointing with my entire hand in the correct direction and mouthing the words, "this is one way."

Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler!

Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler! Translation: If a president sees beads on the ground, it means six more weeks of Lent.

Happy Mardi Gras!

Let Me Draw You a Map

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you thought, "Go downstairs, turn right and go through the last door on your right" meant, "Go downstairs, take a left and stick your head into the first door on your left to ask a random person where you are supposed to go next." That's why you couldn't find your class.

Why Crawl When You Can Tow!

Dear Madam,
I am sorry you were unable to get into the driver's side of your car because the car next to you was parked too close to you. Calling the police and a tow truck to have the other car towed, however, is a bit more time consuming than opening your passenger side door and crawling over the seats.

Well, I Have Been Working Out Lately...

Dear Madam,
Thank you for calling us from the crowded parking lot to demand I come out to "do something about it." I will be happy to stop answering your calls and stop helping others check out who will then move their cars out of spots so I can come bench press an SUV for you.

It's a Party!

Dear Madam,
I am sorry our staff did not have the $1.50 soda machine refund for your daughter this weekend. Your reqeust for a "formal presentation" of the refund is an envelope in the pick up file with 6 quarters enclosed and her name written in green ink with a star over the "i" in her name. Please bring your camera and confetti.

Speed Bumps

Dear Madam,
I am sorry the speed bumps in our parking lot are "ruining your shocks." Since you live next door and there is a paved walkway from your home to our front door, I recommend walking over instead of driving, parking, then walking on the treadmill.

That's Why It's Called a "Steam Room"

Dear Sir,
I am sorry the steam room was "too steamy." I recommend using the dry sauna.

Then Go Back In Time!

Dear Madam,
Our facility and parking lot were built in 1986. At that time, they did not know that you and 300 other people would be dropping by for a spinning class at the same time.

At the Back of the Line

Dear Sir,
I am sorry you were upset that I did not take your two phone calls at work today. I understand you wanted to "call in" your children's soccer registrations but I was busy helping the 200 other parents who decided to make it a priority and come in to the facility to register.

Up in Smoke

Dear Sir,
I know you work at the gas station but smoking near the gas pumps seems like a bad idea.

Pre-Registration is Now Post Registration

Dear Madam,
I am sorry we have not yet processed your child's soccer pre-registration. We are currently pre-registering over 600 children with software that takes 10-15 per registration. I take full responsibility for the fact that child's coach did not turn in your child's forms on time as requested in the coach's orientation, on the coach's info packet, and the three emails we sent reminding him. Your child's information is on the bottom of the stack and will be processed by Feb 15, 2017.

The Human Race

Dear Sir,
"Human" is not an ethnicity. I apologize that your attempt to make a point resulted in a 5 page criminal record from the police department because you share your name and birthday with someone else who has been very busy.

The Glass is Half Full...with water from a roof leak

Roof Leak in Aerobics Room = "New Shower in Aerobics Studio! Why walk all the way downstairs to shower after your class? Just step under the new shower using 'recycled natural water collected on the roof' and save minutes to your day! (Soap and antibiotics not included.)" I LOVE copy writing!

I Suggest Someone Else Help You

Dear Fellow Unpaid Volunteer,
I am sorry you did not like my two simple suggestions when you asked for my opinion. However, asking me to make the changes on my own defeats the purpose of you asking for suggestions, not assistance, on your project. If you can't take the constructive feedback sandwiched between specific compliments on your work, don't ask for it in the future.

Scrape Them Off and Make a Pie

Dear Sir,
I am sorry you have to "wash your car every time" you leave our parking lot because of the berries dropping on your car by one of our trees. We do have 257 other spaces available and cutting down the tree, as you suggested, would no longer provide the shade you also said you prefer.

I Thought There Are No Stupid Questions

Dear Sir,
Thank you for teaching me not to ask you clarifying questions when you are not clearly asking for something. Snatching the expired free guest pass out of my hand was certainly justified since I should have been able to read your mind.

And He Didn't Score a Goal

Dear Madam,
I am sorry I asked your child not to throw basketballs off the track onto other children 20 feet below him. I understand you were "watching him" throw three balls while you were busy gossiping with your friends on the other side of the gymnasium so I really did not have to step in because he would have eventually stopped on his own.

I'm Not One of Those Obsessive People!

Dear Madam,
I am sorry the ellipticals with arms were not available. I understand why you "will now have to drive 20 miles out of [your] way in rush hour traffic to use one at another facility" because the 5 other machines which also have arms and mimic the same movement are "not exactly the same." Thank you for also telling us that you "are not one of those obsessive people" because of the way you acted. I was beginning to worry that you were.

Would You Like a "Chilly Dog" After Your Workout?

Dear Sir,
I am sorry we had to interrupt your workout by asking you to care for your dog sitting in the bed of your truck. I understand your dog "is 7 years old and has spent, like, 80% of her life in the back of the truck and the truck is parked in the sun" but the temperature was under 30 degrees with a wind chill in the teens.

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At times, some customers think their behavior is no big deal but when their actions effect the feelings of other customers, a member of the customer service team and/or management must respond.

When confronting a customer with a behavior problem, it is always important to pull them away from others so they do not feel embarrassed for being reprimanded in front of other adults. Additionally, customers are much less likely to yell and scream if they do not have an audience.

In this case, the customer stopped his workout and left with his dog. While one of our staff spoke to the customer, other staff members tried to get the dog to come inside with us, but she would not leave the back of the truck. We then brought her a sleeping bag and wrapped her up until the customer came out to take her home.