It's Ok, Your Head is Full With Ideas for Other Crimes

Dear Madam, I am sorry you don't have a photo ID, can't remember your address, email or phone number, and I'm sorry your husband awkwardly walked away when I asked you to spell your last name and you couldn't. I'll take a guess that you're trying to use a membership card belonging to someone else.

Awkward Pause?

Dear Sir, Thank you for telling me to "stop talking" when I answered the phone. It makes thinking of something to say after "Hello" a LOT easier.

When They Won't Pay

Dear Madam,

I am sorry your you are upset that we will not upgrade your membership because your husband's company will not pay the difference in your membership dues.

Something something FREE something something = Gimmie

Dear Madam,

I am sorry you only read the words "free plush tiger" and assumed we would just give you one because you purchased something "for a friend."  Since there were only 10 words on the banner, I can understand how "all of those other words" got in the way of you understanding.

All in a Day

Dear Madam,
Thank you for wagging your finger in my face and telling me "I don't need your spiel. Tell me where the end of the line is." I guess you don't need to know that after you wait in line for 2 hours, you won't be able to see anything and you don't want the rain check we are offering to save you from wasting your time.


Dear Madam,
Thank you for flirting with me to try to get to the front of the 2 hour line but you're barking up the wrong tree.
 
Dear Sir,
Thank you for telling me you "don't want to stand in this long line" and that you are "just going to walk up to the ticket booth and pay." I'll make sure I tell everyone in front of you that you are more important than them and you can deal with them once you get inside. Look out for flying cups of soda.
 
Dear Madam,
I am very sorry you don't want to wait 30 seconds for someone to back their SUV out of their parking space because you are afraid you will lose your place in line but your foot does not make a good speed bump.
 
Dear Madam,
Thank you for recycling by digging in the trash cans for used tickets and trying to pass them off as "the ones [you bought] earlier today" so you could save $5 on ticket already discounted by $15.  Thank you for teaching your children how to do this as well.  They are our future.

When you die...

Dear Madam, Thank you for calling me an "aweful person" and for telling me that you have a lot of money. You certainly have every right to berate me and my staff THEN ask me to look up the phone number for an elephant rescue in Tennessee on "the Google" because you think your kids and grandkids are "also aweful people..." and you don't want them to get any of your money when you die.

Sign: "Don't be stupid"

Dear Madam, I am sorry you are now "forced to put a tacky post-it note" on your steering wheel to remind you NOT to run over people because we don't have a sign reminding you to look both ways before you pull out of our parking lot onto the street.